It

Why won’t they be quiet?
Why can’t I stop thinking?
I’m falling down this cliff and can’t grab onto the ledge.
I’m tumbling down into the ocean, silently screaming and no one can ever hear.

I can’t let them see this, so I’ll tell them I’m tired.
It hurts, deep inside like a knife I can’t remove –
God. I just want them to shut up.
These thoughts of mine tell me how useless I am.
These sharp clawed thoughts are ripping into me.
I’m crying inside, and smiling outside.

It. It. It. It. It. It.
I’m never going to feel better.
I’m never going to get to the end of the tunnel.
It. It. It. It. It. It.
I’m just a pathetic excuse for a person.
It tells me so.

I don’t know what to do to make these thoughts stop.
I don’t know how to fix myself.
Maybe I should fall asleep again –
Maybe if I fall into a coma these thoughts will stop –

It is my fault.
It is because of me.
It is all in my head.
It is just me being stupid.
It is never going to get better.
It is my fault, I ruin everything I touch.

Shattered Mirror

It hangs. By a thread. It hangs.

I look at the crying boy in front of me, silent, I stare at him as he drowns.

My fingers reach out and touch glass.

Something is wrong.

Something is very wrong.

I look at the crying boy in front of me, silent, and he mouths ‘help me’.

Is this a memory?

Who is this child?

His features, I know.

I look at the crying boy in front of me, silent, I feel a dampness on my cheek.

It hangs. By a thread. It hangs.

Little by little I see the thread burning away.

Soon it will fall.

Soon I will lose the boy in front of me.

I look at the crying boy in front of me, silent, and I mouth ‘help me’.

Is this a memory?

This mirror, I see it hanging, even though I remember it shattered on the floor.

Who am I?

I don’t remember when it started, when faces began to blur into each other. I just woke up unable to evoke those memories.

It scares me sometimes, makes me feel empty. How do you live when you can’t remember yesterday? When you can’t see tomorrow and all you have is that moment – that second in time before sleep takes it away. How do I keep smiling at her?

These memories of mine, that boy I was – I wonder sometimes if I killed him.

My heart feels so tight and I can not focus on the world anymore…I feel dizzy.

I’ve tried to be social, to capture the shadowy thread of the past. I’ve smiled at strangers, spoke with phantoms and danced with devils – every day I pull on this mask and every night it gains another crack. Is this who I am meant to be?

I don’t remember who I am. I don’t remember who I was. I don’t remember who I wanted to be.

I’m a breath of wind in the air – a single drop of rain in a storm.

My Angel

Dreams.

Faded memories of times long gone.

All I have is this.

I sit by her side and I feel a small amount of peace – but it is short lived.

My thoughts are chaotic, just a jumble of half concocted ideas and I can’t keep them quiet no matter how hard I try – only she can sooth the raging storm.

I want to forget.

I need to forget.

He is a part of me, a constant voice in the back of my mind telling me to pick up the knife.

All I want to peace.

Silence.

I need her.

I will always need her.

My Angel.

A puzzle piece

In front of the mirror

A puzzle piece stands

Alone, incomplete

In front of the mirror

It searches for the others

The connecting pieces

It doesn’t want to be alone anymore

Why must it be alone?

In front of the mirror

Crying out to be completed

Screaming out to be put together

It does not want to be incomplete

It seeks out others like it

The bits that make it whole

Why must it be unfinished?

In front of the mirror

I see a puzzle piece

Alone, incomplete

In front of the mirror

I see myself

Alone and incomplete.

The black cloud

Forgotten is the sun

Behind the black cloud

Its light cannot touch

Those here on the ground

Above the world it tries to guide

But the black cloud forces it to hide

No one knows it is gone

The have long since forgotten

That there even was a sun

Once the black cloud came

Things were never the same

Forgotten are the days

Before the black cloud

Before hope vanished

Before I fractured

Before the black cloud won

This is the life –

Back to the door,

Just her again them all –

A spinning hourglass,

Knives up, hold them back –

Her life revolves around this,

It’s all about the attack.

 

Skirt split up the side,

Just a few more drinks –

A tumbling frame,

Kiss on the neck, make them fall –

Her life is consumed by this,

It’s all about the next high.

 

Painted mask put in place,

Just a couple more touches –

A slipping dream,

Powder veiling tear tracks, hide it all –

Her life is lost to this,

It’s all about the next facade.

 

This is the life of the dead.